I ran a mile today. I know it sounds lame (especially considering that when I got in shape a few years back I was running a couple of miles a day!), but it's been a long time. So I feel proud. Tiny victories...

goals of the day

1. eat reasonably. (so far, so good.)
2. make dinner tonight instead of eating out.
3. do my pilates DVD.
4. drink more water.
5. take the stairs when i leave work.
6. knit at least two pattern sets on the current baby blanket.
7. follow my new skin care regimen.
8. be asleep before midnight.

small victories

today i made a healthy breakfast, cleaned my house, went to the gym and did 30 minutes of cardio, came home and did another 30 minutes of pilates, ate a good healthy snack, went to the grocery store for healthy stuff to eat at home this week, and took the hippie out for a decadent meal where i was not NEARLY as bad as i could have been. i hate the gym, as i have stated many times, but it wasn't so bad today--i think because it wasn't very crowded. and maybe also because i went for 30 minutes and that was it. i am trying not to make a big deal about these small accomplishments in my mind and just keep doing them.

rewards

yesterday, when meredith and i were talking over our little bet and making aplan, it was interesting that both of us had an initial impulse to reward the winner with food and drink at the beach. as you see from yesterday's post, we switched that up for something that is a treat for our bodies without derailing out efforts. but isn't that interesting? it's just evidence into how we are so emotionally tied to food. wonder how long it will take to shake THAT off...

meanwhile, it's day one fo the bet, and i am having a healthy salad for lunch. i was REALLY hoping i would make it to the gym this morning, but a nasty headache sent me straight back to bed. i am still planning to head to the gym today, but it's going to have to be tonight after dance class. can't have meredith showing me up on day ONE, for heaven's sake!

Hate. Hate hate hate hate. The. Gym.

But I went at 7 am this morning. And I'm going to eat my vegetable soup for lunch and probably dinner, too. Because I'm going to stick with this. (And I have a lot of soup.)

I say this now, knowing full well that about 4:30 this afternoon I'll be willing to give my left and/or right arm for a Peep.

Meredith, day 1

throwing down the gauntlet

so i challenged my friend meredith to join in on my little contest i have decided to have with myself. she and i need to lose roughly the same amount of weight, and we are going to the beach together, so it seemed the obvious thing to do. so--she is on board for seeing which of us can lose the most by B-day, 88 days from now. loser pays for pre-beach pedicures for both of us. i added her to this blog so she can post here if she wants to (no pressure, meredith!) however, that was at like 5:15pm. since then, she's joined a gym, and now she's out buying new workout clothes. she is clearly going to kick my ass. maybe...

afterthought

it's 66 days till we leave for europe and 88 days till we go to the beach. i know it's trite and overdone, but i think i will try to interest myself in having a little contest to see how much weight i can lose by then...

looking for inspiration

you know, sometimes i wonder just what in the hell is wrong with me. i know how my body is and how it responds. i know that if i went to the gym for an hour a day for 5 or 6 days a week, the pounds would be shedding off me like water off a duck's wing. i know this. so what is my fucking problem? why do i think about it and think about it and always tell myself that i am right on the verge of a change, and then do NOTHING? i went to the gym ONCE last week. this week, i have done a 20-minute pilates workout. the weather is BEAUTIFUL--so why am i not out walking in it? what i wish more than anything is that i could just disappear from my life for like 6 months and do nothing but work out and paint. can you imagine??? but how do you get that kind of mental and physical reset when you have a full time job, a house to maintain, and a life filled with activity? i KNOW i have to make it work somehow. i know this, so no preaching at me to just bite the bullet and find a way. you can't tell me a thing i have not told myself a thousand times. i am not really looking for a solution here--i am just venting about the frustrations of it all.

i remember the last time i was in shape and how good that felt. i want to feel that way again. and back then, going to the gym was fun--it was part of my day, and it was a treat. i got there by having a friend at the gym with me--i got in shape totally by accident. now i don't have that. don't get me wrong, i have the hippie, who is encouraging as all get out, but it's not the same. i can't work out with him--our goals are diametrically opposed. and also--there is a level of irrational emotional reaction with him that doesn't work for me. he tries to encourage me, and it just makes me defensive--i feel attacked even though i KNOW that's not what he means to do. so this go 'round--i am on my own. i have to find some inspiration. somewhere.

i don't mean to sound so negative--i know this isn't hopeless. but man, it's a hell of a mountain. and i really DO feel like i am on the verge of somehting here. i have felt that way actually since i started this blog. maybe if i start writing about it more it will help.

i do know one thing. i went and got a massage this past weekend, and it was DIVINE. what's more, it made me want to be taking better care of myself. it made me WANT to work out and take better care of my hair and my skin and everything. so i have made myself a promise--for ever 20 times i work out, i am allowing myself to go get a massage. if i do that recurlarly, then that should be once a month or so. if not, then no massage. that should be at least SOME inspiration.

reset--again

i went to the gym this morning, and i thought i should report it, since i actually did something. i have to say--it totally sucked. i know i should be feeling positive and proud, but instead i just feel pissy and tired. didn't help to be yelled at by the hippie first thing this morning, even though i know he was trying to help. i think what i don't get across well to people is that i don't want help. i don't want praise if i go or censure if i don't. it has to be for me, about me, and all me. so today, i went. maybe if i can make it 4 more days this week i will start to feel proud.

on the food front, i am doing a 2-week SB reset to get myself going, but refuse to commit any type of self-flagellation over the occasional social deviation from the rules of SB. yesterday, we drove back to raleigh from my parent's house early enough to hit the groccery store, and i came home and did a shitload of cooking and food prep. i made is some SB-friendly lunch stuff, and bought some things for breakfast and dinner and snacks. today i made us eggs and canadian bacon for breakfast, and right now i am having some mediterranean chicken stew for lunch. tonight, i will go for sushi with my friend tom, and yes, i will eat the rice. but hopefully, for the rest of this week, i will be refined-carb-free. it's just a reset to get me going and to try to quickly drop back the 7 or so pounds i have gained through inactivity and carelessness over the last month and a half.

this morning i weighed in at about 209 pounds.