looking for inspiration

you know, sometimes i wonder just what in the hell is wrong with me. i know how my body is and how it responds. i know that if i went to the gym for an hour a day for 5 or 6 days a week, the pounds would be shedding off me like water off a duck's wing. i know this. so what is my fucking problem? why do i think about it and think about it and always tell myself that i am right on the verge of a change, and then do NOTHING? i went to the gym ONCE last week. this week, i have done a 20-minute pilates workout. the weather is BEAUTIFUL--so why am i not out walking in it? what i wish more than anything is that i could just disappear from my life for like 6 months and do nothing but work out and paint. can you imagine??? but how do you get that kind of mental and physical reset when you have a full time job, a house to maintain, and a life filled with activity? i KNOW i have to make it work somehow. i know this, so no preaching at me to just bite the bullet and find a way. you can't tell me a thing i have not told myself a thousand times. i am not really looking for a solution here--i am just venting about the frustrations of it all.

i remember the last time i was in shape and how good that felt. i want to feel that way again. and back then, going to the gym was fun--it was part of my day, and it was a treat. i got there by having a friend at the gym with me--i got in shape totally by accident. now i don't have that. don't get me wrong, i have the hippie, who is encouraging as all get out, but it's not the same. i can't work out with him--our goals are diametrically opposed. and also--there is a level of irrational emotional reaction with him that doesn't work for me. he tries to encourage me, and it just makes me defensive--i feel attacked even though i KNOW that's not what he means to do. so this go 'round--i am on my own. i have to find some inspiration. somewhere.

i don't mean to sound so negative--i know this isn't hopeless. but man, it's a hell of a mountain. and i really DO feel like i am on the verge of somehting here. i have felt that way actually since i started this blog. maybe if i start writing about it more it will help.

i do know one thing. i went and got a massage this past weekend, and it was DIVINE. what's more, it made me want to be taking better care of myself. it made me WANT to work out and take better care of my hair and my skin and everything. so i have made myself a promise--for ever 20 times i work out, i am allowing myself to go get a massage. if i do that recurlarly, then that should be once a month or so. if not, then no massage. that should be at least SOME inspiration.