self sabotage

i have been thinking about this a lot. i set these goals for myself--not even crazy goals--and for a week or so, i struggle toward the goals feeling good about it. and then, for no discernable reason, i stop. i not only stop, i slide backwards. and i can feel it--it's almost willful on my part. what i don't get is WHY i do this to myself. i know what i need to do, how to do it, and how fabulous the result will be. i know that it's good for my soul, my life, my health, my appearance...everything. and yet... sometimes i am even awake at 5am, totally awake and energetic, and still i don't get up and go to the gym. i find an excuse, or a reason, even, to slack. is it fear? anger? insecurity? i can't really figure out what's driving me. am i depressed? i really don't know. what i do know is that it continues--that I continue to go in fits and starts with no consistency. and i know that the key to this whole struggle for me is consistency, period. maybe it's just that i have stared up this mountain i need to climb over for so long that i am just simply daunted. the inertia has me. and man--there has to be a way to change it. but i tell you, internet, i don't know how.

anyway--here i am, gearing up to try again. tonight i will do something healthy after dinner--maybe go for a walk or do some pilates. tomorrow i will try to get up at 5:30am and make it to the gym for some weights and some cardio and a healthy breakfast when i get home.

no promises--i seem to break those when i make them.